I Don’t Like Dicks

I was at a social happy hour tonight. I didn’t know anyone except one guy, who, in our story, is named Dick. He represents all men who act like a Dick.

Dicks tend to notice that I primarily talk to ladies. I’m not trying to date anyone, but they’re more interesting because they don’t talk about stupid things, and they aren’t immature idiots.

The person I was sitting next to is named Elle. She represents ladies.
I was talking to Elle. Much like Dicks always do, Dick kept trying to get Elle’s attention.

And that’s fine because in 3 minutes, I’d just ask Elle a question about herself, and she switched gears quickly because at this point, Dick has been talking about himself for 3 minutes, not giving Elle a peep because he’s trying to impress Elle.
Elle thinks, like always, Dicks try too hard.

When Elle was talking to me and having good conversation, like an immature Dick would do, he puts hot sauce on his finger to taste it, trying to steal some attention, something I thought was funny in a childish way.

So what do Dicks do when they have a ladies attention? Naturally, he tells a story about himself. It started off about hot sauce, but everyone zoned out after 30 seconds when the story was about him. Again.

When it was time for pictures, I leaned in to be in the group picture. My left arm had to go somewhere – it was either behind Elle’s chair or in front of her chest. I think I made the right decision.

Well like a Dick, he tried to embarrass me in front of everyone by exclaiming (several times), “Whoa! Justin – hugging at the first meetup event?! Jeez!”

I simply explained that my arm was behind her chair and not even touching Elle, who didn’t notice or care, since it was just to get in the photo.

About two minutes after I embarrassed Dick by telling the truth, which invariably makes every Dick look immature, he excused himself.

Usually I just ignore them, which lets their comments affect others because they’re not plainly rejected, but making Dicks look like idiots and standing up for myself works way better.

In general, Dicks feel it’s their duty to protect ladies from me, because I’m obviously aggressive because I like conversation with substance.

Men, don’t be a Dick. Dicks just look like idiots, don’t impress anyone, and never get a girl. Ladies aren’t after Dicks.