So I’ve finally figured out why I’m often single, and I’ll share it because it’s interesting.
Most of you know me as the spitfire professional with seemingly endless energy. Okay, with actually endless energy.
It’s true, that’s me in my true form. And that’s too much for anyone to join, for the most part.
But you’d think I could find someone. I’m out and around often enough. For instance, tonight I was at a meeting, and there were ladies-a-plenty.
But people want to chill. Do you know why? Because that’s how people build connection. By chilling.
I know this, but that’s not how I do it. I’ll have fun with people, and once I know they can keep up, and once we have enough shared experience, then I’ll open up.
This is a learned behavior. Moreover, opening up too early is generally not accepted. Instead of talking and asking the cliche bullshit questions that minnesotans do, I’d prefer to have shared expeience. I’ll find out all that stuff later, but really, I don’t need to know everything all at once. I’m patient. Try it sometime. …
So why don’t I chill when I’m with a group a ladies? The truth is, I just don’t want to date or know them on a deeper level. They all come across as low-energy or lame, so I’m just not attracted to them.
Until I decided it wasn’t cool, my title in my meetup group was “Event Mastermind.”
The truth is, I design my events exactly as I design my dates. They are fun, have variety, and have the ability to talk to people yet provide distraction. Obviously, I developed this because when on a date, I need a distraction (show, traveling, or something else), because Justin focusing on a lady is overwhelming and he says too much.
So tonight I had my second date with a very intelligent woman. We decided that Saturday night would work.
I called her this morning to talk about options. I live in the Twin Cities, so naturally there werected a ton of options.
She is newer to the TC. I mean, she’s lived here before, but that was before medical school.
So naturally, she asked me about what to do. I mentioned the Fringe, but not in a great way.
I proposed a pub crawl with just her and me based around the Green Line.
I’ll leave or details of smiles, etc., and I’ll tell you where we went.
We met on the Green Line, and we continued to Lowertown Saint Paul. To make it faster, here’s the stops and bars:
Union Depot Station: Axle Ox Cart rooftop
Central Station: Vieux Carre Cocktail Bar and Grill
Also at Central Station: Amsterdam Bar
Stadium Village: Stub & Herbs
Walked to East Bank Station
There was live music at two places.
Night ended. There may have been another bar in there too, but I doubt it. We arrived in North Loop at 1:00. It was a nice night.
Anyone who knows me, or is friends with me, sees me a lot, or let’s be honest, anyone who sees me talk to people ever, know that I like the ladies.
To be honest, despite what most people think, I don’t want to date anyone. I like people, and I want to get to know them. And yes, the possibility of dating is always on the back burner, but it’s definitely not the primary consideration or goal. Anyone will notice that I talk really well (and more often, with more enthusiasm, and with more energy) with ladies. There’s just a higher probability that my efforts will result in a friend with a lady than a guy, so it’s much more efficient to befriend lady. Women are open and talk about not just clichés.
I have dated some awesome people. Some were simply angels and the nicest people I’ve ever known. I’m still great friends with them. The whole relationship thing didn’t work out for both of us. We were awesome and had a ton of fun.
There’s another story about women who I’d consider to be a life partner. It’s something else that I can’t define. It’s just a knowledge of compatibility. Kind of weird to explain.
I have “high standards,” but they’re only guiding principles, since, if I get that feeling, I’d go with it. My standard are just because I know the traits that generally lead to that feeling.
To be honest, that feeling is very, very rare. I’ve only had it a few times.
Granted, when it happens, I usually don’t know how to handle it because it never happens, and I get kind of excited. Or, there’s a timing issue (Toto).
I tend to really like incredibly intelligent women. They can hold great conversation. It’s important that their intelligence in a way similar to my intelligi.
Four years ago, I met an incredibly smart attorney.
Recently, I met a neurologist about whom I’m really excited.
Also, ladies about whom I become super excited tend to not be born in the States, or at least not in Minnesota.
They also tend to be absolutely beautiful. And they like to laugh with awesome conversation.
One thing that’s challenging is being cool, well, not for me, but for most people. You know me – I define “stellar cool”…. It is important a lot of time with the female-types. Guys should be interested in them, be a gentleman, and just make them laugh.
Quite frankly, that’s important for always, not just the beginning.
One trick from my play book is to send the lady a text message whenever you want. It’s a play that should make them like you… Guess what? It never works. Keep those feelings bottled up until you see her…. after you’ve been dating for a while.
Be cool in the beginning. The big problem is that guys may come off as aggressive if they’re too enthusiastic. It’s important that you take time to get to know one another so the timing can happen right. This is because guys are barbarians and have a bad rep.
Timing is so important, and it’s one of the hardest things to grasp.
Be cool, but still be nice. As most things that are good, it’s s precarious balance. Of course, there’s a song about this kind of thing:
So after hashing #grownassman, I decided to follow it. What I found was most totally ghetto posts, but then I saw something distinctly different, so I read it. I liked it, so here it is:
Note that while a grown ass man says what he feels, etc., it may be necessary for him to be cool and just have fun. Basically, he’s not going to worry about the relationship, since that will take care of itself. No, his job is to have fun and be happy. This means “Don’t think too much or at least keep your mouth shut and don’t be a drama queen.”
As Cindy Lauper best said, girls just want to have fun.
I encourage everyone to keep their standards high. Never settle! At least when it comes to a long-term relationship
Most people know I have standards, and it’s true. I’m basically holding out my long-term commitment (my heart) until I find the right girl.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll have some short-term fun no problem. But even then I have my standards that makes it challenging to find someone.
What are those standards? Good question. I put a little thought into it. Basically, I want to find the trifecta of sexy for the long-term. Just the first and third for the short-term.
By short term, of course, I mean hanging out or whatever with no assumption of long-term. It may turn into long-term, but it takes a little long longer because we have to know each other really well.
One is simply personality. The personality needs to jive with mine. That’s a gimmie for anyone, but I’ll add more details. I mean, yes, she has to be happy and enthusiastic, obviously. Some uniquities I enjoy are less common. For one, she’s got to be fun. I should be able to poke fun, and she needs to return it. Talking to her has to be fun, too. See the next section.
However, having a personality that “jives” with mine does not mean that she’ll go along with everything. There’s got to be some give and take.
Frankly, I love when a woman can put me in my place. Because if I’m dating you, I’ll listen to you. We don’t need a long dramatic convo, but just tell me to knock it the hell out. Now I may not have always been able to follow such instructions, but I can control myself nowadays.
Along with putting me in my place, I love it when a woman is herself and is fairly stubborn. I work with someone at my job who checks me into her preferences when I get out of hand, and I’m secretly attracted to her. Not in a big way, but I find it pretty hot. We have an interesting professional relationship (no, not my colleague).
But stubbornness is hot, at least to a point. Once it starts encroaching on my life, it’s not. Basically, the little “corrections” should be mostly out of jest, but she’s probably right, so I give in nearly immediately.
The second in the trifecta is intellect. This one is solely the biggest one. If a lady has the brains, we laugh more and get each other better. Rarely will minds be on the same wavelength before being married for 30 years, but I can only imagine how awesome that would be. This second one makes the first one go from personalities jiving to personalities doing a whole 10 dance (for my non-dance readers, a 10 dance refers to all 10 international ballroom dances, including the jive).
Three is simple. The third part is simply attraction. Yes. The third part of the trifecta of sexy is…. well, sexiness. Physical attraction combined with the right characteristics to make my mind wonder about her.She should be active. She should have awesome eyes. That’s important for me. Naturally, eyes like mine are the coolest, because they’re not common, but also because I’m a total narcissist.
Rarely do all these things come together.
The trifecta of sexy is not common, so I’m just waiting until I find it again. I’ve found it twice. Once when I was younger, and once when I was older.
One time I found it, but she had the second attribute very strongly. My brain is odd because it simply doesn’t forget intellectual information. So this woman was sexy and absolutely stimulated my mind like no one else. Not forgetting, my mind held on for a long time. I shouldn’t have, but it was a long time ago and after a coule years, I let go.
If I had to do it again, I would focus on the primal side of attraction, and not the intellectual side so I wouldn’t be stuck on her for so long. It was weird. Intellectually compatible like no one else, after only a month, I thought I was in love (because she was stuck in my head, and because it was summer and I didn’t have enough to do). Now I’m focusing on the short-term. If I ever find a woman who has the trifecta again, I’ll no doubt just enjoy it whilst I keep my mind on the short term.
Everyday is full of sunshine – don’t let little things cloud your view.
One should recall that the sun is always shining, albeit sometimes behind the clouds. When life gives you a cumulonimbus cloud, one should remember that there is still sunshine behind it, and while it might take take a little time for it to pass, through positivity, one will persevere through the storm to enjoy the sunshine.
Note that while a grown ass man says what he feels, etc., it may be necessary for him to be cool and just have fun. Basically, he’s not going to worry about the relationship, since that will take care of itself. No, his job is to have fun and be happy. This means “Don’t think too much or at least keep your mouth shut and don’t be a drama queen.”